Thursday, August 18, 2011

First Day Back, Second Time Around


How should I describe the first day of school the second time around... hmm... I believe the best way for me to sum it up is to say that it was different, and that is a good thing through and through. The night before the first day of school this year, I was in my room at school until 11:20 at night still trying to finish setting it up. I inherited a smaller room with less storage space and more materials than the previous year, and I had the hardest time trying to figure out what to do with it all. While my room still isn’t where I want it to be, it’s still SO much better than my set up from last year already. To compare, the night before the first day of school last year I remember that my mom had made a nice dinner and had dropped me back off at my place when I got the sudden feeling that I was going to vomit all of my stomach’s contents onto the grass in front of the door. Even as she wished me luck from the rolled-down window of her car as she left, I knew that it was going to take much more than wishes. Granted, I still felt nervous before the first day of school this year again, but it paled in comparison to last year. 
Another difference was how comfortable I felt in the school, in my room, and around the kids. It’s perhaps needless to say that the opposite was true last year. I could best describe my efforts as bumbling, unconfident, and uninspired. It was just SO weird and unexpected how easy it was to exude confidence in front of the class this time. I remember sometime last March finally “waking up” so to speak and realizing what I wanted to do in front of the class to gain their respect. Obviously, it was too late at that time and I had to suffer until late May, but it was great finally knowing exactly what I wanted. I had to suffer through depressive states, fight and claw just to survive in the classroom, and will myself awake most mornings up until that point to finally see the light, but that was just it, I had seen the light. I finally knew what I wanted. Of course, I still had to fight depression, fight and claw, and will myself awake for the next two months, but knowing what I wanted made it all just that much easier. When I finally got back to summer school this past June, I was given the opportunity to start fresh with a new classroom. I had the opportunity to try out the new things I wanted to try out and do the things that I was so sure would work. That first day was comparable to the first day of my first year. Feeling so nervous that I could clear my stomach of anything inside of it at any time. After finally giving a Rules and Procedures lesson where I knew what I was doing and knew exactly what I wanted and after getting a thumbs up from my awesome team teacher, AK, I felt like a near infinite amount of weight had been lifted off of my shoulders. Each lesson thereafter I gained more and more confidence in myself and my teaching abilities. Things that I knew were there, but had never had the chance to come out due to my ineptitude during the previous school year were finally showing. Though I had a month off in July to lose that steam and have nightmares of being helpless in front of a class of students, that confidence only proved to spill over into this year. I feel like I have digressed a little, but the point remains that I can now teach in front of a classroom of kids, be confident, and make them feel my confidence.